it's BIRTHDAY season!!!!!

Today........and for the next week.........our house is filled with an 8, 7, 7, and 3 year old. No wonder I'm going crazy!!!

Austin turned 7 today. That just seems like a "growing up" number to me for some reason.

I learned 2 things today about kids and birthdays though.

first---December birthdays are not ideal.

Second---Kids like to get more than one present on their birthday. In my mind I know Austin will be getting like 10 gifts between Christmas and birthday parties, so we got him one thing. But to him, this was his first party and he was a little disappointed like.....'i only get one present'......oopss!! I don't even think it was a greedy thing. just the shear pleasure of having your birthday as a kid and wanting to open up presents....Even if it's a book, or candy or whatever...

okay, three things. Third---my kids love waking up to balloons and streamers in their bedroom. I've always done that in the past, but today it slipped my mind because he was getting a single balloon and going out for lunch with dad, but he asked why he didn't get the balloons and streamers in his bedroom.

oh, and fourth----to make one of his "top choice gifts" come from mom and dad on his birthday. We kind of gave him a "lower on the gift list" item since we knew what he was getting later on, and I think that was "disappointing" for him to not get something he really wanted today.

from a kids perspective..........I completely get it!!!! Nope---kids don't have to get everything they want...... and nope---presents don't make you happy............but as a kid-----don't you love it when you get something you really want from your mom and dad?........

So I live and learn!!!!

But regardless of things I learned............I think he had a great day!!

LOVE the Christmas programs

Our past week was filled with programs and I just love them! I love seeing what the kids have been working on and all the excitement they have.....

Our church did "Back to the Manger" The 3 older kids were all involved and singing and Alyssa was an angel for one scene too. We've been listening to the music since September so even Aidan would sing along in the van! It was a completely amazing performance that the kids totally enjoyed being part of.

The general theme was a time machine which skipped generations, and brought them back to the manager scene. It was really a fantastic play or musical. Loved the songs and they had fun doing different themes of the decades.

Alyssa had a piano recital. She started piano last fall and is doing fabulous with it. I signed her up for piano because she needed something that was "hers" to do. I'm always helping Samara and Austin with reading and so I needed to find something that Alyssa could do and have her be accountable each day for. Usually it's like pulling teeth to get her to learn her lesson the first day or two, but by the end of the week she will sit down about any free time she has and plays. She usually has her lessons memorized each week. I'm not sure yet if it's just something to do, or if she enjoys it............but regardless, she does a great job playing.

And of course, we had the school choir concert. They did wonderful at this too. It's amazing they can learn so many different songs and betweens grades 1-5 they recited Luke 2, so incredible to hear all their hard work. Austin and Samara in the top left and Alyssa is in the right of the picture. It's kind of hard to see anything, but fun to include. And Austin was a towns person in a song they added stuff too.


So it's been a great Christmas song filled week.

bah humbug

I'm not very thrilled about the whole commercialized side of Christmas. Frankly it stresses me out and makes me grumpy. I went out to the store with 4 specific things in mind, one for each kid, and do you think I could find any? not one. And to go from store to store is just a waste of time. So I decided we just weren't doing it this year. I'm not shopping around for the perfect gift, I'm not making myself busy til I'm crabby.........

And after all..........it's not OUR birthday.........It's JESUS' birthday. So who should we be buying presents for anyways?

We've heard that lots of times. And at church we talk about it and I get it. But we still do the double sided thing. We give to Jesus, and yet we also go on shopping frenzies just because that is how it is. But really...........something has to change for us. I just don't enjoy the stress of picking out the "perfect" gift and making sure it's "worth" the money. I haven't found a toy worth the money yet..........

I want so much more out of Christmas...

so....... at the table we were talking about our days and one of the kids ask me how my day was. So in a teasing manner I said.........." it was just terrible. I went to buy Christmas gifts for you guys and couldn't find any. Everything is sold out and mom is so sad. It was just terrible. I mean, how can I not get gifts for you guys. It's just a terrible day".....I was being all dramatic and teasing (but deep down very serious) and then of course I ended with........'the only good part about my day was when you guys came home from school and I could see you. that was the best part of my day.." and you know what their response was.........(!!!!!!!)...

"that's okay. it's not worth the gifts mom. We don't want you to have a terrible day. you don't need to go shopping and have a bad day. Seriously mom, don't do that again. we don't need them."

I just love them. I really, really do.

Here are some memories I want to have about enjoying Christmas. Having a sleep over by the Christmas tree and watching movies. (We DID do this last weekend.) Baking cookies. Haven't done that yet, but hope to with family. Playing outside, and building snow fort. Enjoying life!!! Listening to Christmas music while playing games or veggin out. Having "homemade" ornaments hanging on the tree. Taking the time to bring cookies over to someone and maybe having a special ornament or something thoughtful with it, instead of something store boughten. ENJOYING a cup of hot cocoa and stirring it with a candy cane. Okay......so the best things don't come by rushing around. the best things come with taking the time. Scheduling the fun stuff so it can actually happen......

Bye-bye cast

Aidan got his cast off today!! He has broke his arm earlier this fall and had a cast on for the last 5 weeks. So today was a great day!!!

Let me tell you, the cast didn't slow him down one bit! In fact, I think he was proud of having it so it gave him even more confidence to be rough. It's going to be hard to keep him "low key" for this first week without the cast!

So, not too much of an exciting story, but here is how he got it on in the first place:

Paul was gone and I was cleaning up the supper dishes. All the kids were wrestling, and just being crazy in the family room. As the playing was ending, Aidan kind of wimpers and says "owwiee". He was holding his arm by his side, so I assumed he was holding his tummy. So I gave him a hug and asking him if he got kicked in the stomach. I kind of kissed his owwiee and said his tummy would be better. Immediately following that he crawled on the couch and got sleepy, but it was just a few minutes before bedtime so I didn't think anything about it.

He went to bed and slept all night. In the morning he said he had owwies again. And again I was thinking he was holding his stomach. (his arm was by his side) So I pulled his pj shirt up and kissed his tummy and asked if he got hit in the stomach when they were playing. At that point he said........"not my tummy, my arm"

OH! Sure enough. In hindsight, he was holding his arm to his side, not holding his tummy.

So I watched how he acted and sure enough.............he couldn't hold his cereal bowl, he wasn't using his arm........So as I was putting on his clothes for the day I saw his elbow was way swollen. I knew it was broke. So we dropped the other kids off at school, went to the Dr. office, then to the hospital for x-rays, and then on to the orthopedics for a cast!

The orthopedics office was an old stomping ground of mine when I did x-rays, and I knew the Dr., so we did a fun cast. Aidan chose blue and green stripes. He was proud of it. He did real good through the whole thing.

But after 5 weeks, there is nothing like a long tubby either!!!!!

Catching Up

I could never find the right words to come up with when I thought about writing. So many thoughts and ideas and yet never the right words. Some days I wish we could just be "normal" and I didn't have so many thoughts about adoption and kids and poverty that swirl around. So much good is in our lives, and yet as one blogger writes........it's Messy. I couldn't figure out how to link to this blog, so I cut and pasted someone's entry. I'm not trying to copyright this, but I know that I couldn't say anything better........so just read on.........:

Messy

Before Duzi came home, while we were still gestating in the paperwork pregnancy process that is adoption, I had the incredible opportunity to glean wisdom from friends who have adopted. Most of these friends attend my church. Some of these sages are in my very own family. I’ll never forget what my friend, Kathleen (mother of 5-- 3 bio, 2 adopted), told me about parenting adoptive kids from traumatic backgrounds. Over lunch one day, she said, simply, “Adoption is messy.”

She didn’t say it in an intimidating way – she said it in an honest, encouraging way – in a setting realistic expectations kind of way. I took her words to heart and began trying to adjust my expectations. Even though I had read lots of books and blogs on adopting older children, I knew that I had romanticized the process to a certain extent, and I wanted to prepare for reality.

The truth is, I don’t think any parent, biological or adoptive, can truly prepare adequately for the arrival of a new child. You learn on the spot, adversity becomes your teacher, and you cry a lot. Most often, you learn by making mistakes. The addition of Duzi to our family has been wonderful and hard at the same time, just like the other two times we’ve added children to our family.

But, we are definitely encountering new challenges - challenges that are unique to adoptive parenting. I haven’t blogged since August. I’ve avoided writing because I haven’t known how to articulate just how messy our life has been. I’ve hesitated to write about the chronic messiness of our new family life because 1) We are supposed to be a poster family for adoption, 2) I don’t like feeling vulnerable, and 3) Denial is just more comfortable sometimes; It’s a pretty awesome coping mechanism.

Here’s my full confession: I’m exhausted and am dropping balls all over the place. I’m forgetting things. I’m not doing a good job caring for important friendships in my life. I’m having a very difficult time processing any adversity that pops up outside our family life. I’m grieving for my new son and all that he’s lost in his young life. I believe God uses adoption as an incredibly transformative, redemptive tool but, all adoption stories begin with loss – and I’m grieving for his loss.

The grieving is what caught me by surprise. Mike and I have traveled all over the world, visiting orphans and street children in unimaginably poor communities and slums. I thought we had grieved for these injustices. I thought we were appropriately outraged.

And then, we started grieving these things for our son. Our SON. We’re committed to protecting his privacy and to allowing him to tell his own story when he’s ready. But, as you can imagine, there was a significant portion of his life that was lived under very unjust circumstances.

Strangely, this has thrown me for a loop. We knew all about his story before he came home. The story itself wasn't a surprise. But, as we bonded with him and really became his parents, the story we had memorized felt different. Now, I’m incredibly angry about what he’s lost and profoundly sad about it - in ways that feel paralyzing and incapacitating sometimes. For the first time, because I am an upper middle class American woman and have lived a life of privilege, I am seeing injustice through the eyes of a mother, and it has wrecked me.

So, if I haven’t responded to your emails, texts, or voicemails – I apologize.

I’m a mess.

I do think that this mess is holy. And I know God is at work, doing His usual thing - redeeming pain, transforming our mourning into gladness, making a way in the desert.

This has been a life changing experience and I sometimes wish it didn't "mark" us. But then I remember that this is who God made us. His work started about 10 years ago in us (or longer) and I do believe it is our lifesong...............So we'll continue to write thoughts about us, or adoption, or whatever life is bringing to us......

Value for the rest of life

The Place of Nothingness
by Os Hillman

"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)

Do you find yourself in a place of nothingness? There is a time and place in our walk with God in which He sets us in a place of isolation and waiting. It is a place in which all past experiences are of no value. It is a time of such stillness that it can disturb the most faithful if we do not understand that He is the one who has brought us to this place for only a season. It is as if God has placed a wall around us. No new opportunities - simply inactivity.

During these times, God is calling us aside to fashion something new in us. It is a place of nothingness designed to call us to deeper roots of prayer and faith. It is not a comfortable place, especially for a task-driven workplace believer. Our nature cries out, "You must do something" while God is saying, "Be still and know that I am God." You know the signs that you have been brought into this place when He has removed many things from your life and you can't seem to change anything. Perhaps you are unemployed. Perhaps you are laid up with an illness.
Many people live a very planned and orchestrated life where they know almost everything that will happen. But for people in whom God is performing a deeper work, He brings them into a time of quietness that seems almost eerie. They cannot see what God is doing. They just know that He is doing a work that cannot be explained to themselves or to others.

Has God brought you to a place of nothingness? Be still and know that He really is God. When this happens, your nothingness will be turned into something you will value for the rest of your life.

*****

It's been so long since i've taken time to write stuff. I have, and am, devoting myself to getting stuff in order around our house. Now that kids are in school, I feel like I'm getting some sanity back. I just had to share this devotion with you. It was just over a year ago that I came across this devotion for the first time. When I read it, I could only relate to the "place of nothingness". It seemed to totally relate because here we were, in our adoption process for Aidan and we were patiently waiting..............and yet having so much turmoil that God wanted something else from us. I remember reading it and identifying with 'crying out to God' and just not knowing what God wanted from us. I felt like we were fighting and God wasn't revealing any plan to us. For some reason it impacted me enough to keep it.....

Then God things happened. We moved, only to find out about Samara at the same time. One probably wouldn't have happened without the other. Then our lives were changed completely with both kids coming home.

So as I'm sorting out "stuff" at home, I come across the devotional and read it again. Only this time, the "turmoil" means nothing to me. The only thing that stands out is the end..............your nothingness will be turned into something you will value for the rest of your life.

Isn't God good!!

my 2 angles

As I glance back over the last posts, it shows highlights of great times. But life isn't all swimming and sun and playing. In fact, there is constant change and re-evaluation........... what is working and what isn't. We have one that won't listen or throws a full on kicking tantrum when told "no", or one that gives haughty eyes. We had to put a stop to the girls being caddy and snobbish. We made a decision to separate the girls into separate bedrooms. We have one that loves any attention by others, and just making sure the attention comes from us. Even issues of food come up. just the every day trying things...........learning manners and not finishing off others plates. When enough food is enough. And also on the other end. Learning we eat at dinner, and not having 10 snacks times a day. And sometimes it's not even issues, but just being irritated.......and there are times that I just get sick of being nice and staying positive with the kids.............and I can get matter of fact and grouchy with the kids too. Each day I feel like at the end of the day we are talking about an issue that seems to directly come from the change in our family or impacts of this event in our lives.

I need to also tell you about something I heard that had been haunting me for a long time now. Shortly after the kids came home, I heard an adoption counselor saying that "unfortunately, too many people in this area think that 'they were called by God' to adopt, but that isn't enough reason to have a child"...... That has always haunted me, because I have always been unable to explain why we chose to adopt internationally other than God. I feel like we have fought the process along the way in a spiritual sense, and yet have had peace knowing that God is in control. So when I heard a professional saying that..............it made me doubt myself .......because there are days that our whole world have been turned and shaken and beaten up side down.

So I was at the beach and carrying Aidan up the steps. 2 ladies started making small talk and asking where he was from. I kind of have my spiel down..........."they are from Haiti. They came home after the earthquake....but we were connected with them before it.".....yada, yada, yada. They made their small talk too........they had both adopted kids.......about 8 or 10 years ago. So after a minute of small talk, the conversation turned very intentional. It was like everything else in the world stopped for a moment. They were on each side of me and one took my arm and just said everything I needed to hear. She went on and said...........'you know it's hard right now. But it does get easier. You are here for a reason and a purpose. And God has you here because he has a plan. And you are part of God's plan and God has a purpose for all this ' I just stood there speechless, biting back the tears. And one of them went on to say..."you will not look back and doubt your sense of family once you start making your memories as one. When you have history with them, that is when you realize that you are in it together." And just the assurance that GOD HAS A PLAN...........oh how i needed to hear that. And I needed to hear it from someone who has been there, done that..............a seasoned adoptive parent.

Well......it began to rain so we had to say good bye. Actually we had gone to the beach to watch a storm roll in. Once we saw lightening and felt some rain, that is when we had walked up the stairs..............but for that 10 minutes the storm held off so that I could have my visit with 2 angels. I walked away to catch up with the others knowing that Yes!...there are such things as angels.

play.......laugh......love

Repeat

play.....laugh.......love

repeat

As we were driving home from a week at a cottage, I saw those words on a billboard and kind of snickered to myself. Just finishing a week of vacation.....an awesome vacation......those words couldn't be more true!!

We had a great time. This was one of those things that are talked about all year long at our house and brought up time and time again..........'remember at the cottage.....' so from day one I was praying for good weather for us. I began praying in March that our week of vacation could be a truly memorable week........and we were doubly blessed. The cottage that we rent is kind of a dive, but it has this awesome sandy beach and great lake for swimming. So the weather is a big factor........you either have a horrible vacation with bad weather..........or a fantistic week----like we did. It's such a good feeling to start making memories together. And we have some pictures at home with Alyssa and Austin at the cottage and now Samara can say......'hey--I've been there and know what that is. ' and just join in on the conversations.

And it was a good feeling when we came home to feel like we were coming home to ...."our home". I haven't really felt like this was our home yet since we moved last fall, but this was the first time that I felt like we were back "home". So just such a good feeling.

I seriously can't tell you enough that the vacation went about 1000x's better than Paul or I expected. The kids all played together..........they were great.........they enjoyed being together......which made it enjoyable to be around them---LOL........and it was truly a 'play........laugh.............love' kind of week.

couldn't have been better!

hot weather.......fireworks.........sunny skies.............pool...............this all equals perfect birthday for Samara!!

We couldn't have asked for a funner day for her, everything went just right and I was so happy for her. Ever since about March she has been asking about when her birthday was. The other kids told her when it got to be hot weather and we could swim and there would be fireworks for her birthday.........she has been talking about it ever since. So this past weekend was it.

Everything seemed to be just perfect the whole weekend. We've had beautiful weather.....a fun "late night picnic" at the fireworks. (which the kids loved). We had a great lunch time with a pastor from Haiti. Truthfully I was thinking that it was "one of those things we should do" because we wanted to show the same hospitality while he was here, that we have experienced while being in Haiti................but the thing was............it was such a blessing to have lunch and talk with him. He is an amazing person and it was US who were blessed..........incredibly. I'm so honored to be able to have spent time with him. I am thankful we were invited to have lunch with him and another family!!

And then on to Samara's birthday........

She woke up to streamers in her room and she had to walk through her doorway full of streamers. It was so fun to see her all giddy in the morning. I think the thing that made it such a special day..............it wasn't the parties or the awesome weather...............and the swimming in the pool.............that was all fun!..........lots of fun!!!!...........but the best part was just seeing the other kids completely love on her for that day. They were so excited for her and helped her celebrate. It about brought me to tears just how loving they were.........

It so could have easily gone the other way in which the other big kids were "jealous" because of all the attention on her, or because it was her special day...........instead they were totally encouraging her. I guess as a parent, that it probably what made the day. Because when the kids fight............no one has fun. So it was just awesome to see everyone being excited for her.

Then Alyssa says to her..........the best part about birthdays is that you get to snuggle with mom and she tells you all about when you were born and how you came to this family. Well, it made my heart melt that the kids value that we do that and see that as a special time about hearing "their" story...........but it also made me sad to think that there is so much we don't know about Samara's beginning. She has a special story with us and she has her own story about coming into our family..........but I wish I could help with more of her questions she will have some day. But no sense in thinking about what we don't have.......it is what it is........but my prayer is that she will accept her story for what it is also and it doesn't haunt her.

So we ended her day snuggling. I think it helps in all the bonding process having a day like today. Just realizing that I WANT to give her a great day. I WANT her to have a great day. And it was thrilling just to watch her totally enjoy her day!!!

God bless you Samara!

Let the summer begin......

Summer has started off with a BANG!! I didn't expect anything less, it's just getting into a new rhythm. We were at a cottage last week which was extremely good for the kids. We just saw such great things in everyone when we were there. It's a great campground that is a safe environment, so Samara was able to have some freedom on her own. I could tell her she could ride her bike to the park on her own, and she loved her independence. She could play with "her" friend and not always with her siblings. And Aidan.......he loved vacation!! He played and played with his cousin and I just saw a whole new side of him. His confidence in being with a peer instead of older siblings and just being able to play was so good to see.

Among the fun, we started summer tutoring, so that is just another thing we need to fit into our days. It's good for Samara to have this one on one time and I hope she becomes more confident in her education skills too.

Somehow I wanted to get all Dr. appointments finished while everyone was in school, but we seemed to be just on the late edge of doing that. This week Aidan had some man parts surgery. He has been so funny with his surgery. At the dinner table when it was his turn to pray, he said....."Dear Jesus (and he has this sweet little drawn out voice, so it's like dddeeeaaaaarrrrr Jeeeeesssssssuuuuuuussssss..............Aidan ouwwie........Aaaaaaaaamen!" It just made my heart laugh for him. We've just taught him the "dear jesus, thank you for this food, amen" and every once in a while he does his own prayer which I think is really amazing for him to say what he wants in prayer time.

I didn't really spent too much time taking pictures, but most of them were of Aidan. I think the older kids were off and playing and he was around me........so he stole the camera last week!

First comes love........

then came marriage....

then came baby in a baby carriage.

Ah……….. if it were always that easy.

But the truth is…..marriage is work. Continuous work.

Most of what I talk about has to do with our adoption and life with the kids, but I probably don't always give the credit and attention to the man behind the scenes...

My wonderful husband, who is my best friend, and I love doing life with…….

and yet marriage is work.

My amazing husband who one minute can walk into the room and take my breath away...
and in the next minute could walk into the room and annoy me just for breathing my air.

That’s because……it still all takes effort.

Today we celebrate our 15^th anniversary. What a milestone……and yet it seems like just yesterday we were getting married. It's been filled with absolutely wonderful times. I love all the memories we’ve had together. I’m amazed at how love continues to grow, and I love how we have fallen more in love with God together. There are lots of things that could have ended our marriage, yet as I look back….. these are the times that have been adventures as together we sought the Lord for direction. These are times that have been some of the milestones in our life through the trials and triumphs.

But everything hasn’t come without fighting for it. I remember a story the pastor told at our wedding. This is kind of a summary….. About having a list of things you might like to change in your spouse, but having the grace to over look it. So if something is bugging or irritating…………this person would just say…..’oh, it must have been on that list---oh well’. So in reality, you just shrug it off as an area that you would have grace about……. So if I ever think about how I wish I’d like to change such and such……….i’m often reminded that there is no need to keep track of that stuff………….it must have been on that list and no need to think about it again…..

So….. here is to my sweet husband. I am so thankful for you. Thank you for loving me even when I don’t deserve it. Thanks you for always being willing to work at life and forgiving me when I make mistakes. Thank you for believing in me and sharing my passions in life. You are an incredible husband, dad and man of God and look forward to many more years together.

Our life verse…..which happened to be at our wedding……

Ephesians 3:20 “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us”

just because......

It's the 'hanging out' moments that are the most fun!!!

my graduates!!

We had kindergarten graduation last week. It's an incredible evening of celebrating all they have learned over the last year. The graduation is a big deal at our school...........kind of a long tradition. The kids do a "show" for us in which they incorporate some fun story, but it includes a great message and also they get to "show off" stuff they have learned. Meaning they include memory verses, songs, math facts, reading...........all sorts of things they have learned. It's an evening of fun watching the kids, but also very touching when you get to see a video slid show of the kids and hear all they have learned. They actually walk down the aisle to the "pomp and circumstance" which is enough to bring the tears on. They even give parents a flower! And they get to receive a diploma and gift bag.................a truly memorable night.

When we went through the graduation with Alyssa, it was just truly meaningful because it was our "first". It was this big milestone that our "first" was going to be in school full time for all the years to come. It was hard to believe our little girl had grown up to 1st grade already.

This time I went to the evening kind of knowing what was in store. Even though I knew what the evening looked like, I was still super excited. As I sat there looking at the kids, I realized just how special this class was also. See, I was able to be part of this class for about a month of their school year as I helped Samara transition into school. I had gotten to know most of the kids and see how they all function...............and just to see all their personalities. Each of them having their own strengths and gifts. I wish kids could see that...............EACH of them have strengths and gifts. There isn't ONE that is BETTER. They are ALL valuable!! wow----it really was amazing. It's a great group of kids!

I often wondered how Austin was at school. After being in school with him, I was able to see strengths in him so much clearer. Instead of worrying about maybe his weaknesses, I could see that there are many things that he is amazing at. It gave me a glance at what an amazing kid he is and I'm so excited to see how he continues to grow.

And as I sat there I thought of what an INCREDIBLE blessing our school has been. I was a little nervous having Samara go to school at first. There is no denying that everyone knew who she was. She was different, didn't know English as well, needed some social graces, and just new coming in the middle of the year. Yet just how she had been completely accepted and welcomed. I cannot even say enough about what an amazing teacher and aid she had this year. Her teacher just welcomed the challenge of Samara and she WANTS to see Samara succeed. I'm just so grateful for such a positive experience.

And then as I sat there I just couldn't believe what an amazing girl Samara is. 4 months. 4 months of being home and 2.5 months of school. She was amazing to watch and see how much she has learned. And she just had such delight in her face and so proud to be part of it. We really debated about starting school this year or waiting til the fall, and I just think it was the best thing. She was having such fun being part of graduation and I think it's a great memory for her to have. She is a girl of fierce determination and she is going places in this world! And she looked beautiful up there doing her stuff!! She has an energetic personality that just draws you to her smile.

So in this year of being done with Kindergarten..............the kids have grown and become these amazing boys and girls. My prayer is that God continues to guide them and be in their lives.......forever!

Samara walking down the aisle.

Austin walking down the aisle :)

Samara getting her papers and bag with a huge grin on her face!

Us with 2 amazing kids!!

oh so funny....

There are those moments that the kids are quiet and are up to something......and I never know what to expect...... I heard a bunch a giggling and this is how Austin and Samara came down the stairs for bed......

oh, such silly fun!!!!

I think this picture may end up haunting them in later years...... ha!ha! ha!......

grace

Grace.

Maybe you need more grace in your parenting.

Those were the only words I remember from church this week and those words just keep going round and round in my head. I’ve been pondering them all week.

Parenting had changed for us. A lot. There have been so many dynamics that have changed…….going from 2 to 4……..adopting older kids…………….not having time to prepare—ourselves or Alyssa and Austin……..and just not being united in the way we always imagined. So our parenting had to change instantly. We had to pull back some of our affection to “the natives” (Alyssa and Austin) and we had to increase sticking to the rules and being fair. Everyone’s eyes were watching how the others were being treated. Truthfully it was heart breaking for me. Sticking to the rules is a good thing…………and there have been positive changes…………but changing our affection until we were ready to increase for all, has been a killer. I think this has been the area that I feel the most lost. I really considered us to be pretty affectionate. There is nothing better than snuggling with the kids, or when I would tuck them in bed to have the “kissy monster” get them………….just laying on tons and tons of kisses. When Samara and Aidan came home................... it was like having strangers in our house. It was one thing to give them a kiss and tuck them into bed…………..but to have the “kissy monster” come out………..I wasn’t ready for that. I couldn’t do that. So hence…….the “kissy monster” couldn’t really come out for the natives either. Life suddenly turned fair, and doing things exactly the same for each child.

Life turned to more black and white. The rules are the rules………and we needed to enforce them each and every time. I felt like a dictator. I felt like I wasn’t showing true motherly love to Aidan and Samara and I felt like Alyssa and Austin were being punished during this time that was suppose to be “good” for our family. Emotions were extremely high for every member in our family.

Can I just tell you parenting is so hard…………..

Adopting an older child is hard………….

Having it effect birth order and not just adding a young one who doesn’t know anything is hard……………

So it’s been a roller coaster trying to figure out parenting. First the emotional side of wanting and being able to be affectionate, and then also figuring out what we should or shouldn’t do or what works. We’ve been bombarded with stuff like…………….’you should do this or that if your child has been in a traumatic situation’…………….and ‘you should do this or that if they have been in an orphanage’…………and ‘do this with an older child’…………or ‘don’t do this if their back ground includes this…………

I feel like yelling.

The therapists would say to a kid who is disobeying, “boy, it looks like we’re not making good choices, it looks like you need some more mommy time. Why don’t you come sit by mom for a while”…………………which is easier said than done. (but does actually work)

So when I heard the words………….’do you need grace in your parenting’………………boy that hit me. I think I have these expectations of what my kids should act like and what Samara and Aidan should be capable of behaving like. I assume that Samara should understand what is unacceptable. Grace would probably help some of the emotions.

And to bring it another step……..............it’s amazing that God isn’t constantly angry with us because I’m sure every day I don’t behave how he thinks I should have learned by now. Grace. Grace. God’s grace.

I’ve had this book sitting on my counter for a while. Just hadn’t gotten around to it. So I picked it up this week. Shepharding your Child’s Heart. I wish I would have read this about 8 years ago. So if you are looking for a great book on raising your kids…………it’s life changing. It deals with getting to the heart of the matter in a child. And isn’t that what parenting is about. When your kids act out or disobey………….that you get to their heart and work on what’s really going on. Thanks Lamplighter for recommending it and living it out in your life too!!!!

We have layers and layers of stuff to work on. I’m feeling like I really am not cut out for this thing called parenting. But with God’s help and lots of grace……..I think we might just make it. J

race

I think life has been such a blurr that I didn't even have time to think about the subject of race. But as time goes one, I"m more aware of looks and reactions to our family. Reactions range on all sides............So, whether you want it or now…….. let me offer you some thoughts and advice .....

I think that as we contemplated adoption for Aidan, we went to the best resource available----THE BIBLE.

No further research was needed.

God tells us to love one another. To love our neighbors as ourselves. He doesn’t say to love only the ones that look the way we do. See.........we've seemed to make this issue of 'race' into a big issue...........and it really isn't............AT ALL.

oh yes.............there ARE differences. But isn't that what we need to be CELEBRATING!!!

We are special because of how God made us........Period. We need to remind our children how creative God was when he made us all. We need to celebrate His creativity. There is beauty is wavy blonde hair, and there is beauty in beautiful brown skin.

It boils down to the same old topic...............people have always felt the need to prove they are better than someone else instead of embracing and celebrating their differences.......and Satan loves that.

But the good thing is.............you and I can choose for ourselves not to live that way. We can choose to love everyone and demonstrate that love through the way we live our lives. We can choose to not follow what the world views as ‘less than’ or 'better than'- and instead acknowledge that we are ALL precious in his sight.

You see............He see's our differences- He made us different on purpose. Not so we could fight over them but so that we could celebrate Him. Celebrate His creativeness and see those differences as beautiful- the way He does.

Oh......and TALK to your kids about differences. I came across this paragraph and summary of a quote in a book. (Nurtureshock)

How to Raise a Racist

Step One: Don’t talk about race. Don’t point out skin color. Be “color blind.”

Step Two: Actually, that’s it. There is no Step Two.

Congratulations! Your children are well on their way to believing that [insert your race here] is better than everybody else.

What NurtureShock discovered, through various studies, was that most white parents don’t ever talk to their kids about race. The rule is that because we want our kids to be color-blind, we don’t point out skin color. We’ll say things like “everybody’s equal” but find it hard to be more specific than that. If our kids point out somebody who looks different, we shush them and tell them it’s rude to talk about it.

It's kind of like the sex talk. If we never talk to our kids about sex, they are gonna have to figure it out on their own. Which will probably lead to some not-so-great influences filling in their gaps of knowledge.

So talk to your kids about race. Please. Have an ongoing and frank conversation, and observe their interactions with children who are different. Assume that they will have biases, and confront them when they emerge.

I will tell you that the only difference between Aidan and Samara and our other children is that they happens to have the most beautiful dark skin I have ever seen. Just like our other children- they has talents, dreams, and they has needs. They are full of life and full of personality. They make me smile every day............and there is much to celebrate!

Where to start

So much good happened this weekend, it's hard to know where to start. I usually like to write about one thought, but since so much went on this weekend...........I just need to start from the beginning.........

Friday was pizza with Dixie!! Dixie---GLA's director---was in town, so we had a gathering and spent the evening talking with all the friends we've made in our Haitian adoptions. It was so good to see other families and touch base with them. I just think it's so good. It actually brought back lots of emotions about the whole event. I just found myself more emotional and on the verge of tears for a day or 2 just having it right there again. What was just so amazing was to see all these kids..............having been home for only 4 months.................all doing great. In some ways being confident and sufficient to play on their own..............so that the adults could sit and talk with Dixie. Who would have thought? Dixie talked about how things happened for her from the time the earthquake happened until the kids came home, and also since the kids have left. She talked about how God took care of them, and just how they were able to prove each child was connected with a family, and how she really fought to get the kids in through immigrations and allow them to come to our families and not have to go to foster care in Florida while papers where straightened out............and on and on. Just each tiny step was ALL taken care of. EVERY detail to making sure our kids came home was in God's hand. I'm in AWE just thinking about it and humbled that we ever question if we are being taken care of. Then we were all able to talk about how the events were for us, or what really hit us. It was just truly, truly amazing to hear how God had protected the kids, and just how each child was involved in such "God moments" for families. Just to hear about the 'miracle babies' who were thought to be on their death bed and questioned if they should board the airplane or not and today the child is thriving and crawling and full of life. The mom who just knew her son would be home for Christmas..............and guess what..........they were celebrating Christmas in January and their son WAS home for their Christmas. And another mom who said just how much she was in awe that her daughter was born in a dirt hut to a houseworker...............and 3 years later she was flying to their home on a private jet and being treated like a royal princess------God is going to have great things for His little princess. And for us..........I think our miracle in all this was just being able to have Samara home........NOW. We couldn't have endured 2 more years. We just couldn't have. It's amazing to have her home.............AMAZING!! And the stories went on...............the connections and friends made in those days of uncertainty and in the whole event. And I had to chuckle because EVERYONE mentioned how in those 10 days of waiting for what was going to happen that we were ALL GLUED to our computers and unable to function. But it was the truth. We weren't dealing with life during those days and I don't think we'll ever comprehend how drastic life changed and just the full impact of it. The deep emotions that were felt and have followed that event. It was just good to be together on friday. Very good! In August there will be a Haiti reunion---looking forward to that.

Then Saturday was a huge event. Paul graduated!!! For the last 1.5 to 2 years he had been taking classes for his MBA............and he is at the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay----I don't even know how I functioned in life from January til April....................I have no idea how he was functioning with work and school and home life. But he did, and he did awesome---straight "A's". I'm so proud of his determination and hard work. As I think back over the last 2 years, he never missed the bedtime stuff and evenings with the kid DUE to homework. He had his usual night he was in class, or other events and commitments.............. but never did he just take off and go study during prime evening. It was always early, early or late, late. I still always had my tea at night with him. I'm just so thankful for him and for family being his priority. So I'm sure it won't sink in for a bit, because he isn't OFFICIALLY done til June 1, but it won't take long to fill his extra time with house jobs :) So hats off to Paul!! And we had a fun dinner to celebrate---we all went to a Japanese steak house. The food was great...........and the kids loved the 'entertainment'...........it just went great and had a ton-o- fun!

Okay--then to top it off..............it was Mother's Day today. I had flowers that the 3 older ones planted in school---so that was lovely. They brought me breakfast while I got ready for church, I got to choose everything for the day.............what we had for lunch...........then we went for a walk at the dunes---and it was a beautiful day out, we just got lost in the time while playing on the beach. I'm not sure if Paul bribed them..........or threatened them...............LOL...........but I'd hear..."remember, it's mom's day, she can choose"....and there was no complaining about what I chose. So that in itself was a priceless present.

Though as I end thinking about Mothers Day.........I think about what someone else said today----It can be a complex day as well. I"m overwhelmed to think my kids are here with me, and not still waiting for a mommy. We're so blessed to have our moms that take care of us yet, because no matter how old you are----you still need your mom. And my wishes to all my friends who are moms. Those who recently became a mom, or been moms for years. For my sisters who are all amazing. (both sides of sisters) For our birthmoms---who are so special. My wishes to those who have lost babies and kids, and those who have lost moms. And my heart breaks for those who yearn for a child, or for those kids who still yearn for a mommy. God has a special place in His heart for every single one out there. So no matter where you are..............blessings!!!