grace

Grace.

Maybe you need more grace in your parenting.

Those were the only words I remember from church this week and those words just keep going round and round in my head. I’ve been pondering them all week.

Parenting had changed for us. A lot. There have been so many dynamics that have changed…….going from 2 to 4……..adopting older kids…………….not having time to prepare—ourselves or Alyssa and Austin……..and just not being united in the way we always imagined. So our parenting had to change instantly. We had to pull back some of our affection to “the natives” (Alyssa and Austin) and we had to increase sticking to the rules and being fair. Everyone’s eyes were watching how the others were being treated. Truthfully it was heart breaking for me. Sticking to the rules is a good thing…………and there have been positive changes…………but changing our affection until we were ready to increase for all, has been a killer. I think this has been the area that I feel the most lost. I really considered us to be pretty affectionate. There is nothing better than snuggling with the kids, or when I would tuck them in bed to have the “kissy monster” get them………….just laying on tons and tons of kisses. When Samara and Aidan came home................... it was like having strangers in our house. It was one thing to give them a kiss and tuck them into bed…………..but to have the “kissy monster” come out………..I wasn’t ready for that. I couldn’t do that. So hence…….the “kissy monster” couldn’t really come out for the natives either. Life suddenly turned fair, and doing things exactly the same for each child.

Life turned to more black and white. The rules are the rules………and we needed to enforce them each and every time. I felt like a dictator. I felt like I wasn’t showing true motherly love to Aidan and Samara and I felt like Alyssa and Austin were being punished during this time that was suppose to be “good” for our family. Emotions were extremely high for every member in our family.

Can I just tell you parenting is so hard…………..

Adopting an older child is hard………….

Having it effect birth order and not just adding a young one who doesn’t know anything is hard……………

So it’s been a roller coaster trying to figure out parenting. First the emotional side of wanting and being able to be affectionate, and then also figuring out what we should or shouldn’t do or what works. We’ve been bombarded with stuff like…………….’you should do this or that if your child has been in a traumatic situation’…………….and ‘you should do this or that if they have been in an orphanage’…………and ‘do this with an older child’…………or ‘don’t do this if their back ground includes this…………

I feel like yelling.

The therapists would say to a kid who is disobeying, “boy, it looks like we’re not making good choices, it looks like you need some more mommy time. Why don’t you come sit by mom for a while”…………………which is easier said than done. (but does actually work)

So when I heard the words………….’do you need grace in your parenting’………………boy that hit me. I think I have these expectations of what my kids should act like and what Samara and Aidan should be capable of behaving like. I assume that Samara should understand what is unacceptable. Grace would probably help some of the emotions.

And to bring it another step……..............it’s amazing that God isn’t constantly angry with us because I’m sure every day I don’t behave how he thinks I should have learned by now. Grace. Grace. God’s grace.

I’ve had this book sitting on my counter for a while. Just hadn’t gotten around to it. So I picked it up this week. Shepharding your Child’s Heart. I wish I would have read this about 8 years ago. So if you are looking for a great book on raising your kids…………it’s life changing. It deals with getting to the heart of the matter in a child. And isn’t that what parenting is about. When your kids act out or disobey………….that you get to their heart and work on what’s really going on. Thanks Lamplighter for recommending it and living it out in your life too!!!!

We have layers and layers of stuff to work on. I’m feeling like I really am not cut out for this thing called parenting. But with God’s help and lots of grace……..I think we might just make it. J