Do we trust God with our lives regardless of what we see? One second of doubt can change the way we view God’s presence in our lives. If God is leading you to do something, don’t resist Him. You will never regret obeying Him. He is the only one with all the facts, knows all the truth there is to know, and has a wonderful plan in mind for your life.” Charles STanley

I had saved this saying a while back. Before I thought it was so true, without a doubt. In the recent weeks I had to cling to it and trust God. I had to keep telling myself that God has all the facts. And I don't want to doubt and change my view of God. I needed to trust that His wonderful plan is still in progress.

I had a hard time updating anything on the blog because this has been a huge, huge, huge adjustment. There have been many phases to it all.........the exciting phase..........the honeymoon phase...........the establishing boundaries phase................and then the REALITY phase. I was stuck in the reality phase. I spent a week in this phase of being angry and mad. But I've come to realize that the kids are adjusting fantastically. It was myself that was having a hard time. My whole world had crashed down and there is nothing left of it like I knew it. My time was not the same. I have double the people needing my attention with negative time to myself. I was coming from having 3 full days of kids at school.............and now I am down to NOTHING!!!! Not only do I not have enough time.............but Aidan has been taken care of by other people while I'm helping Samar in school. This week I had a 1/2 day of just me and Aidan and it was THE FIRST time I spent a MINUTE with just him. i needed that. For bonding. I had to go back to my journal and see how we were led to this journey and remember that we are here to be used by God. But I guess in some way I thought it would be a good journey that would be easy, and happy. But this reality phase has been just that...reality. It's not always easy. When we started this journey, I wasn't really out of the little kids stage.........but after 2 years of waiting I am realizing how much freedom I had, and how easy life was...............and I didn't realize how hard it would be having a little toddler around again. I didn't realize that I'd have to be excited and smile after seeing the same thing and hearing "mom" for the 40,000 time of the day. I was naive and unaware of exactly how orphanage life affects kids. At first I had my expectations and was irritated when reality was so under it. Now instead of being irritated.........I can say I'm glad I get to be "teacher" in their lives and start from the beginning of learning. They always say to meet the kids were they are at, instead of the real age they are at. that has been hard for me........just dealing with that reality. I think for the past 2 years two things have happened. One, in some way I built a wall around my emotions to our child. I wanted to love him with all my heart, but was reserved because it was such a LONG wait and was guarded about having such feelings. But also in the 2 years I built up expectations in the wait. Maybe it was a way of 'fantasizing' about life would be like when it all finally happened. I think both things have been very hard in this whole process of adjusting.

And sure it's great to have nice weather............but there is ZERO trust in the kids and ability to be on there own. It's back to having all eyes on the kids while outside. I can't even comprehend what this summer will be like..............chaos!!!! And I never know if we should go out and run errands or if we're going to have some melt down and crying/screaming attack. And when we do go out...........I feel like I"m threatening Alyssa and Austin because I couldn't handle every kid being out of control. i"m not feeling like a nice mom lately.

And the idea of having a clean house?..........that went out the window....lol......... I do look back to how we moved last summer and am so thankful that we felt we should move. I can not imagine moving these kids in the near future. God knew what He was doing when we moved before they came!!!!! And if I think about putting in a video so that I have 1/2 hour to think...........I feel like it needs to be an educational video---which Alyssa and Austin balk at........and in reality---Aidan and Samar have no interest in TV so they are by me anyways.........so a video doesn't even work.

Okay----so enough about my pity party. I did have to chuckle that I use to think freedom was dropping off 2 kids at school and being on my own................now I consider freedom dropping 2 kids off at school, even if I still have 2 at home.......lol....!!!!! Seriously, another layer of fog has lifted. There is a little more of a routine to home. We've managed to get through dinner time without total chaos. Bedtime goes well and we actually had 2 full nights of sleep this week!!! (The first week the kids slept through the night probably out of pure exhaustion, but then we've had sleep issues.) It's amazing what sleep does :) School is going well for Samar. I'm doing some 1/2 days yet with her. Sometimes I feel like she has so much to learn, but then I remember how much she's learned in 7 weeks. It's just a lot of discipline on our part to do some learning and homework every night......with all the kids. So that has been our life. Just trying to maintain and keep alive :) I feel like the "water level" has been around my nose for the last 7 weeks, and this week I feel like the "water level" is around my chin level. i need to keep remembering that God has it all under control..........I may not........and don't..............but God does.